You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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