Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
