I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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