had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
