I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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