Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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