this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
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I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
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Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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