I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
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today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
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I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club