I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You ate ashes out of my bong