last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not