i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize