How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Sext me about skeletons