So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no