i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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