I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
