everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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