Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
