I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
