New low: just hacked my moms facebook
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
