he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
