I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
