Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
