Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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