hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
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My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
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I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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