the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
