if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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