so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
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I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
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He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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