and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
