i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
