Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
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What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
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Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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