my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
