Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.