Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
