Will you blow on my dice?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
