i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
