I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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