tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
