Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
