My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I supernannyed him into submission
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
