i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
