My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
