omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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