Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
