Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
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He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
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I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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