i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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