I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
