I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
party gras won. party gras always wins.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
