We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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