he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
