i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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