The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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