dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
