pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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