just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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