I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
