I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
