Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
