last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Damn victory sex feels great
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
