Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Randomize
